I gave this letter to a client to use to share with her husband when she couldn’t yet articulate the words that an invisible illness was stirring inside of her.

That is the hardest part of chronic illness. Sometimes you look fine while you feel like you’re slowly wasting away on the inside. When we’re in the throes of chronic illness we’re not even sure of ourselves and it can be really hard to reassure our loved ones that we want to be healed.

We feel like we always need to explain ourselves, yet oftentimes we don’t even have the words to do so, because we don’t fully understand what is happening with our bodies.

Partner’s Perspective

It is so easy for partner of the autoimmune disease warrior to either internalize their partners distance, apathy, too tired to go out, to have sex, or to be playful as rejection for them not being good enough or appealing. It is also just as easy for this partner to deflect any feelings of guilt and see their loved one as weak, discouraged, negative, sensitive, dramatic, or psychosomatic.

The truth is - neither are true. What is actually occurring is your partner is fighting an invisible war inside of her body every. Single. Day. She wants to be well just as bad as you want a thriving partner. She’s just as scared and confused as you are if not more. The partner may not be sure how to move towards her, especially with men, as they feel discouraged or disengaged if they can’t “fix it”.

What Your Partner Can Do

But here’s what you can do, partner: you can hold space for her healing and remind her every day that her body can heal. You can encourage her to find an aligned practitioner, adopt healing lifestyle practices and join in on the transformation with her yourself.

And for my fellow autoimmune warrior princesses? You can read this letter and see if it resonates with you - if it does feel free to print it out or copy and paste it to them - make it your own. Give it to your partner and show them this blog post. Tell him I’m not fully myself but I’m becoming who I am through this healing journey. Ask him to please not take things personally when you say you can’t, you’re too tired. Tell him how much you want him to be here when the healing is complete. Lastly allow him to encourage you to find your strength within yourself to rise from the ashes.

If my body can heal, so can yours! Take this time to hone in on your healing and trust that the people who are meant to be with you on the other side of healing will be.

“The wound is where the light enters you".”
- Rumi

The Letter

As promised, here is the letter. Please feel free to copy and paste it, make it your own, and share with your loved ones.

March 22, 2018

Dear Partner,

I have been feeling very guilty lately and even feel like I’ve been “hiding” from you. This is the sickest I have ever felt, honestly. It’s a different kind of sick than what it was before with my autoimmune disease. Lately it’s been like the flu never really went away... like I still have a bug of some kind inside trying to tear me down every day no matter how hard I try to be healthy. Before, my symptoms were more joint pain, brain fog, and fatigue. But now it’s this skin rash, itching, fatigue after halfway through my day, stomach aches at night, extreme moodiness like I’ve never experienced and anxiety that I’ve never had. I think I’ve actually had a lot of these emotional issues for a while, but I’ve buried them. Since I started this protocol and changed my diet, my body is cleansing and my liver is purging stuff I didn’t know I had in me, chemically and emotionally. Chinese medicine talks about the liver being the storehouse for suppressed emotions and damn do I feel like that. I cried three (now four as I write this, lol) different times today! That’s not like me. And when I get upset, I get so overwhelmed that I feel physically ill and must lie down. That’s never been like me. I’ve always been an emotionally soft person but now it’s like I’ve lost control of my body’s emotions and symptoms. I feel guilt and shame because I feel like this isn’t the “Jen” you signed up for when you started dating me. I don’t feel like myself. I want to hide from you constantly; I feel ugly because of my skin and fat because I haven’t been able to exercise how I love to workout. I’m incredibly unhappy with myself right now. I can’t possibly imagine how someone like you could want someone like how I am right now. So unconsciously I push you away and try and “hide”. I’m sorry.

But the good news is, I think it’s actually this bad right now because I’ve finally begun to truly heal. Healing from autoimmune disease looks like two steps back and one step forward – or so I’ve heard. It took me awhile to get sick so it will take me a bit to get better. I just ask that you be patient with me, give me lots of grace when I’m tired and don’t get anything productive done some days, and know I don’t mean to be such a raging bitch. I really, really need your empathy right now. When I cry, I need you to move towards me and hug me. When I’m mad, I need you to reassure me and make me feel safe. When I feel distant, I need you to remind me you love me. I know these things may seem foreign to you, but it’s what I need most right now. I want to get better babe. I want to be strong and healthy again. I want to have lots of energy and optimism about every day. I have so many goals for my life, dammit. And it will truly better our relationship when I can be stronger.

A lot of times I wonder why and even ask God why he’s let such an invisible illness affect me like this. I truly believe, and He has begun to show me how, he’s making my “crutch” into a blessing, like with a career I love and am passionate about. I just ask that you trust Him, help me trust Him and please more than anything pray for my health. Because without my health I have nothing, nothing to give you. Right now, beyond your tender prayers, I need low stress. Stress hormones feed my autoimmunity more than anything. I need lots of rest. My capacity is that of a small child— and trust me that is incredibly embarrassing for someone who’s used to juggling two or more jobs, her health and fitness, her own home, hobbies, pets, and family/social life. So, most days I do actually need a nap and an early bedtime. And I need to continue with my nutrition. Juicing and good food is everything right now. Herbs and root powders are helping me so much. Help me believe in my body’s ability to heal.

I'm really looking forward to this new schedule and slower pace of life. I hope to be a better partner to you, have more leisure and hobby time and most importantly have more time for God in my life again. That will give me more rest than any good night's sleep.

That’s all I needed to say. I hope this letter reaches you and gives you a little window into how I’ve been feeling lately. Please write me a little feedback when you can.

I love you.

Love,

Jen