Healing from Toxic Relationships

Let’s be honest…

You probably clicked on this title because when you read the words “toxic relationships” and someone from your past or present came to mind. You thought, “oh no, could this relationship be toxic?!”

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

When you first met this person, it felt like a match lit, instant chemistry, your dream person right here in front of you. Then before you knew what happened that burning match turned into a forest fire ablaze. Instant chemistry that soon engulfed you in uncontrollable flames. Now all you know is that you feel like you’re on fire and you’re getting burned.

How did this happen? Where did the relationship go wrong? We can find ourselves playing out the past repeatedly in our mind unable to find resolution.

Not solely limited to romantic partnerships, this dynamic will appear in friendships, family bonds, even in the workplace. The hallmark: a magical beginning full of new promises that soon turned into everything you never wished it would be. This dynamic can exist anywhere human beings are in relationship with one another.

Why?

Chemical attraction to another person’s like or opposite wound appeals to the very most wounded, most intimate part of us. It’s like the parts of our soul that need healing teams up with theirs to create the ripe circumstances for us to force us to go deep within ourselves or ensue repeating the painful cycle over and over again. There’s usually something in them we empathize with, see that we could help them with, or even dream of saving them from. We will often find ourselves fantasizing about a life away from all our current problems with them, like they’re our knight in shining armor and we’re here to save one another.

Before healing, many of us find ourselves attracted to the emotionally unavailable partner, the gaslighting friend/family member, or the manipulative boss because that is exactly what we knew as our normal as a child. In most cases, we’re seeking to right the wrongs of our innermost childhood pain, and we’re seeking to find that resolution of our previous pain through another person. This is where the toxic dynamic trap lies: to find healing anywhere outside of ourselves. Instead of self-partnering, self-parenting, or self-empowering we become dependent to find our value in someone else. Our livelihood is dependent on their ability to give us love, approval, and security. If they’re in a foul mood, we’re affected. If our terms with them are not stable, it’s incredibly difficult to find our personal world on a stable axis. If they say we don’t meet their expectations, our inner confidence crumbles.

The truth of the matter is most people are unconsciously hurting you. It is your CONSCIOUS decision to embrace the limiting beliefs that keep you in the toxic cycle.

You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick…

We find ourselves wanting to fix ourselves instead of leaving the circumstance. We will give more love. Be a better friend. Improve our work performance. When, in reality, we’re longing to fill a gaping hole in another person no human can touch. To walk away from the situation almost always feels impossible because of the limiting beliefs and denial we have stacked sky high in our minds.

I can’t afford it
They’re really a good person, I haven’t given the relationship enough time.
Every time they hurt me, they make it up to me in the sweetest of ways
It’s just a really stressful time, I know things will get better
What if they change and I regret it?

Yet despite the comments and concerns from those close to you advising you otherwise, you deny there is an issue and promise to yourself things will get better in time.

On the other hand, the parts of us needing to be healed won't be healed by just leaving the environment.

The inner workings of yourself must be examined for healing to occur. If you didn’t care about your inner healing, you wouldn’t be reading this far into the blog.

Let me ask you this question:

Is the other party in this dynamic willing to examine their inner dynamics as closely as you are?

Typically, in this toxic relationship dynamic there is one person incredibly willing to do the work, and the other party may say they are, however their actions play the same scene over and over again like a broken record.

You know that friend that trades one bad relationship for the next? Or you yourself wonder how someone with such a loving heart can keep getting hurt repeatedly?

The same wound that attracted you to the person that you found yourself in a toxic cycle with will be the bait that calls back in the same dynamic over and over again.

What is That Dynamic?

Let’s start with an illustration.

Imagine you’re looking outside your house and you spot a dog walking by. This dog is extremely cute to you and as you approach to pet the dog you notice a large spear in its back. As you get closer you can sense the dog would rather you not help him. You hope that the dog will eventually let you help him with this giant wound in his back, so you let him come sleep in your backyard. This dog definitely won't turn down free shelter and dinner! Every day you wake excited to see your cute puppy. You serve him his favorite bowl of puppy chow and he puts on the most brilliant show wagging his tail making you feel like the most magical person in the world. This routine continues until one day you notice your pup isn’t so pumped to see you. He doesn’t even lift his head to his food. Instead, he snarls at you. You know he’s in pain, so you reach over and try to remove the spear in his back. The dog lashes out at you, violently attacks you and lets you know it’s all your fault. Completely shocked you run back inside. Maybe you release the dog from your yard immediately. Most in this “dynamic” will not release the dog. Before long, the dog is at the back door with the sweetest eyes licking the window hoping you will come back out. He licks your face and cuddles in your lap. You completely forget the spear is even in its back and think how I could even be hurt anymore?! You feel optimistic you can help this dog, and everything will be alright.

Fast forward, and you’ve been bit again by the same dog. You’re starting to get ticked and even resent the dog.

Surely, this is the dog’s fault for biting you right?

It’s not the dog’s fault for biting you and putting you through this pain. This dog is wounded and had no interest in removing the spear from its back. You knew that from when you encountered this pup, you also allowed this dog to move into your backyard as you fed and cared for it.

You have become this dog's supply and things have become much more complex since letting the stray dog just keep walking by.

You deeply love and care for this dog. This dog is already hurting, and you don’t want to add to its pain, so you have two choices: release the dog only adding to his pain, or continue to get bit time and time again.

Quite honestly, most empaths that find themselves in a narcissistic dynamic will find it easier to be bit time and time again, yet their body will begin to struggle, even violently react until this need for care for hurting dogs is attended to within themselves.

The Body Wants to be Well

The absolute height of my autoimmune disease occurred when I was in the throes of this incredibly painful relationship dynamic.

My body was sick long before I met this person. However, the final energetic burden on my body I believe was my imbalanced relationship.

My body wanted to get well. I started to physically heal with food in this environment, although my emotional healing wouldn’t come until later. I thought surely my partner would love to have a “better”, stronger version of Jen in his life.

Except as I began to acquire strength and my own unique ambitions for my life, I noticed in fact this partner didn’t appreciate my healing, nor my taking my power back. My healing further rocked the relationship dynamics.

I continued to find ways I could improve and allow them to love me more, yet we continued to encounter discord and unhealthy dynamics. What I failed to realize was that the relationship was created based on a dynamic that I was codependent on the other person, and they thrived on me allowing myself to give them all my energy, to freely be their source and leave little for myself. When I met this person there was intense physical attraction. I thrived on their physical appearance “picking” someone “like me” and making me worthy now in my eyes of being someone incredible. When I started to heal and realize I had dreams, desires, goals and BOUNDARIES for myself this created intense disarray. I was choosing my healing; this person was not interested in removing the spear from their back. I could not heal in the same dynamic that created a toxic relationship. To be honest, I didn’t choose to leave, even though I sensed something was deeply wrong. In my eyes I wanted things to work out almost as bad as I wanted to breathe. Even for many months after divine intervention and dissolution of the relationship I still replayed what went wrong. Until I learned about the narcissist-empath dynamic I found myself in.

You can read in eloquent detail about this dynamic in the resources section below. I highly encourage you to take the time to educate yourself on this widely prevalent dynamic we can all find in some relationship in our life.

Heal the Wound

For a long, grueling season after the relationship I found myself at ground zero. There was truly only up from there, and oh did I begin to soar once I chose my own healing. My body made incredible strides. I started counseling and energy healing. I worked so hard on myself with the only goal: to feel better. I was in so much emotional pain I was willing to do anything.

I started with self-partnering, being the partner for myself I wanted to find so desperately in someone else. I started to write myself letters and affirmations. I started to spend Saturday nights alone getting sushi and writing in my prayer journal. I set financial goals for myself beyond what I hoped any partner could provide. Most importantly, I allowed myself to go through an intense grieving period, my own dark night of the soul. I remember needing to step into the bathroom at work and just cry. I promised myself I wouldn’t stuff down the pain and I would sit with it. Some days I would spend my entire lunch break alone just working through the feelings, only to head to the park after work to be with myself some more. I dug deeper into my childhood wounds and continued to set new goals for myself and my future. I resolved not to look to a new man to make me feel better or numbing myself with distractions like partying. I can honestly say it worked.

Not only did I start to feel more alive, happier, more MYSELF on the inside than I ever had before, my external life began to reflect my healing as well. I started my own business. I increased my finances. I formed stronger friendships. I felt better than I ever had before.

Deep within me, I knew this relationship pain was an invitation to look at all the parts within me asking for healing. I am so grateful I chose the healing path. If we go around the lesson, life will continue to present the same healing opportunity to us repeatedly.

The Other Side of Healing

Many, many moons into the season of my self-partnering I found life offering to usher in a new partner into my life. On the surface I was not interested. He was “not my type” and I didn’t feel that “spark” I was used to. I was actually doing energy healing on this friend of mine when my body completely opened up to fully witness what was in front of me. A man who completely loved me, adored me, and was honestly my best friend. I saw the divide between my wounding and the healed place I was stepping into.

I decided to slowly move forward and begin to date this new person. The more I let them in the more the attraction grew. This time, instead of a match lighting into a forest fire, this felt like a cozy fire building in the fireplace. Every day adding more logs, more heat, and even a few marshmallows to roast- enticing & sweet.

This person is the best relationship to ever happen to me. He fully supports me in ways I never knew a partner could. He goes above and beyond to care for me. I feel like I’m constantly being filled up versus emptied out. He’s committed to working on him & and I’m committed to working on me.

I know these two things to be true for sure:

I would have never given him (the love of my life) the time of day had I not engaged in my inner healing. Simply because I would not have the capacity for such a relationship. I was not an energetic match.
I would not fully value everything I have now with my partner had I not gone through several toxic relationship cycles.

If you’re struggling with your relationship, your health, and wondering if there could ever be healing for you let me assure you there is!

I have come from a turbulent childhood and poor relationship past. And I still healed these broken pieces of me so I can experience more for my life.

I know the same to be true for you too.

Not sure where to start?

I recommend going beyond the traditional methods of conscious behavioral therapy and digging into the subconscious where these wounds fester and live. More about that here ….

We can access that subconscious part of you through energy healing.