Disordered Eating + why you can't stop your body's cravings!
Disordered Eating
Restrictive diets, cheat meals, and binging were a common pattern of my past that quickly led to a struggle with disordered eating, a struggle that would go beyond the desire to control my food intake and body size. This pattern in my life fueled the fire of my autoimmune disease and made healing nearly impossible for a very long time. Not only were my physical eating habits alarming, but my mental health and thought patterns concerning food were in a desperate need of a paradigm shift.
Following a strict eating regimen was a result of poor physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. I had an overfed body, and an undernourished soul.
I was quickly gaining weight despite my meticulous efforts to control every morsel that went into my mouth. What I didn’t realize was that my body was crying out for help by putting on extra pounds of inflammation to protect me! My body was under attack and the only thing I saw, and was concerned with, was not fitting into my skinny jeans comfortably anymore. I don’t blame myself; I didn’t know what I didn’t know. However, I see so many struggling like I was. Let me tell you something friend, you are NOT FAT, you are INFLAMMED!
I wasn’t in need of a weight loss plan. I was in need of a plan that would heal my body and address the root cause of my weight gain. A healing plan is one that offers you flexibilty & options within loving parameters of foods that will lower your inflammation by fighting pathogens and cleansing toxins. Instead I was addicted to the latest fad diets or bodybuilding plan that promised I would finally shed the weight and give me that 6 pack I always wanted.
Whatever plan I was abiding by, I followed that plan to a T but I HATED putting my eating into a box and being so dang regimented when it came to the very thing that I needed to do to stay alive! A plan without freedom and choices led me feeling deprived, robbed me of empowerment to learn more about foods that serve my body, and further fueled my disordered eating. I wanted freedom, choices and to feel GOOD. Not just lose weight and drive myself with whips and chains through a dietary regimen. The only thing I learned how to do is further advance myself in social isolation around eating and learned to follow instructions instead of being my own diet detective for the way of nourishing my body most effectively.
My coaches would even ask me, are you sure you’re not cheating? When I was doing everything they said and still not losing weight or feeling good in my skin. This led me to feeling like a failure, like my body was broken, and down a slippery slope of binge eating.
My experience with binge eating
My experience with binge eating was like this dirty little secret I kept and included a lot of self punishment. “You’ll only get this now, so you better go crazy” was a common thought I had if allowed myself a treat off plan. Once I let my body have more carbohydrate and fuel it desperately needed I couldn’t shut down the eating and almost always ended up making myself feel sick. Often times I would get multiple food items I had been craving to prepare for my “last supper.”
If the cheat was unplanned or this was an accidental binge (which made me feel super out of control) I couldn’t stop with just one error. Or half the cookie sleeve for that matter. I would have to self-sabotage and make it into an event. I honestly haven’t even thought of this time in my life until a friend brought up the topic of disordered eating. I still feel shame and embarrassment towards it and my mind must have repressed the memory to protect my ego. But it needs to be brought to the surface and addressed to not only heal my own past dysfunctional relationship with food, but to help heal yours as well. Because you’re not alone and we’re all emotional beings misusing food, our fuel, to either comfort, punish, or control ourselves.
After I was done feasting I often times punished myself with hours long workout sessions and unhealthy detox regimens to purge myself of the deed I had just done. I have even used magnesium citrate to make it all come out and allow myself to feel “perfect” and “clean” again.
Unfortunately, I had even made myself puke a few times. I have a really strong stomach so this was very hard to do and demonstrated by desperate remorse for what I had just done, or eaten.
Why did I do this?? Because I disliked hated my body and thought it was working against me not for me.
Could you imagine working for a boss who constantly tells you that you do not do your job correctly and every good catch you make is wrong and disrupting the company?!
That is how our body feels every single day.
Our bodies are like hey girl you know you’re inflamed, really stressed out, and I need some rest and we’re like shut up, down caffeine and eat some sugar to keep us buzzed and energized.
How to Control Cravings for good!
So what about the binges?! Why do we even get to that point of extreme starvation for something?!
When we have that insatiable hunger or cravings that literally take over our brains that is happening because our bodies are deprived of the essential glucose it needs!!! Cravings are something to listen to! Yes as were healing and changing out the old toxic food for the new healing foods cravings will arise as the pathogens we were feeding with toxic foods affect our blood chemistry (they literraly bio hack us!) and induce cravings. However, when you’re eating at your best all week and you just cannot wait to get to Saturday to go crazy, what is your body missing?
Carbohydrates?
Rest?
LOVE for yourself?
Understanding of what is actually going on in your body?
Your body did not just wake up one day and decide to inflame and attack itself.
No, no, no! Your body woke up one day and was alerted by the toxicity or pathogenic environment surrounding itself and said “send out the troops of inflammation and protection I’ve got to save myself!”
Inflammation is protection. We can listen and work with our symptoms to heal. Or we can fight against our bodies and lead to further destruction.
How did I overcame my disordered eating habits?
I started by educating and empowering myself on what was happening in my body. Once I knew this information, all of a sudden it felt like I was off the hook. I wasn’t a failure or weak, my body was sick and out of balance. It was out of control because it desperately needed me to listen so I could thrive again!
The Road to Healing
Healing did not come easy but it was worth it. At the beginning of my healing journey I had to overcome the disordered thinking and beliefs surrounding food that were fuelling my disordered eating in order to heal my body. I was terrified of carbs especially fruit and I was down to eating about once a day or for a period of one small window a day because eating was never pleasant for me. My stomach always hurt and anything I ate cause some sort of digestive or chemical reaction in my body. I was eating lean meats, healthy fats, and vegetables yet I was getting more sick with each passing day.
As I researched and experimented with the various healing modalities I had uncovered I started eating more carbs, less fat, less protein. Slowly but surely upping the amount of natural glucose sources I ate- fruits, potatoes, squash, dates, honey and maple syrup on things like banana nice cream! Then the cravings went away as my body healed and finally got what it needed.
As you heal and take away protective inflammation your response to foods you’re aiming to avoid will be more noticeable make you want them less if you do have a slip up and binge- this is now working in your favor!
To be honest I really never have cravings anymore or binges/cheats. This is coming from the girl who used to KEEP A FOOD JOURNAL of next binge meal ideas because my body was constantly ravenous.
A couple weeks ago I had a dream about pizza and when I woke up and checked in with my body I realized I was tired and hungry. I had been putting a ton of work in at the gym and not refueling myself. I went to chipotle and got myself a burrito bowl, piled that on top of a salad I made at home and felt so much better after. Chipotle is not my go to for feeling great but I knew I needed some extra calories and my body wanted it. So I got! I listened and my body thanked me. Notice I didn’t order a pizza because I know for MY BODY gluten and dairy would make me feel like garbage. Still I trusted the message of my craving.
Emotional eating is also a huge component or maybe even the main component of disordered eating.
Think why am I going to the fridge? Am I hungry? Am I avoiding feeling emotional pain? Food is an instant oxytocin serotonin dopamine hit that soothes any aching soul.
For me I tend to eat mindlessly when I am procrastinating on working on schoolwork. All of a sudden I want sweet fruits, honey, and dates when writing a 16 page research paper because I want that good, happy, feeling, instead of feeling pressured or stressed from working on graduate school.
I can also turn to food or cooking in relationships when I feel unloved. I can either distract myself and make new foods to entertain myself or go beyond my normal joy of cooking for someone and try to remind them how lovable I am by preparing a feast for them-because why would they love me without my ability to cook for them can be my limiting belief! Wrong!
It is not easy airing all my dirty laundry, but I know it will be healing for someone else to read and understand they’re not alone. This process is a never-ending self-discovery journey. The war can be won today by declaring to love our bodies and educate ourselves towards healing. Making better food choices is certainly part of the healing journey, but for many this isn’t the heart of the matter. We’ve been driving down a long road with food as our comfort, distraction friend, lover, and weapon. Have you identified the root cause of your dysfunctional eating patterns and faulty beliefs? Have you alleviated you conscious of succumbing to your body’s intense cravings? This battle is not your fault and the war can be won with proper information and support.
If you are struggling with disordered eating please reach out! This is a spiritual battle as much as it is physical, mental, and emotional- one in which we are stronger in waging, not alone, and with a strong support team.
Eating Disorders, More information
Included in the video below is more information to the physical component of eating disorders as well as more information on emotional, mental, and spiritual healing for ED’s.